ROOMATRIX (Roomate Tricks) [of the fairTRADE?]

wrote this earlier and wanted to post it before bed....


Okay hold up - it just happened again, and since Marla refused to do anything except run out of my room with her hands over her ears accusing me of 'giving her attitude' and fled downstairs in ignorance of my comments. Somehow feeing 'attacked'(?) because of my poiting out she was doing exactly what she was complaining about only seconds before was enough reason for her to storm out with comments like "see THIS is why I dont hang out with you" - because she gets attitude from me when she sits in my room and tries to offer all of her input on everything from the cutting of narcotics to killing and stuffing animals (very positive and feel good, I must say saracastically) all while saying openly that she was not likely to read what I'm writing about, nor had she been paying attention/interested in what I was speaking about to begin with that any hope of feeling like there was an equal flow of listening/talking/actually caring about the other's input was far from balanced. . to say the least.

If she accuses me for the same 'faults' that she too has, her hostility is only an indication of the hostility towards herself and how much she has to release all this energy 'upon' those around her becasue she has so few people in her life willing to take what beautiful gifts she has to offer because she is not putting her real, beautiful self out there to be rewarded by those who can provide her with the nurturing and healing she requires yet does not even believe in. She is hiding in a dark, windowless room, feeling sorry for herself and locked into a world where her only ventilation system is through her television, laptop and part time crappy job at the bottom of the stairs @ Ginos. I will be the first to mention how much I admire her blogging and journal entires on purerave that I read very many of, because she offered to share that with me and wanted me to know about her life enough to trust me with access to them freely, yet she doesn't trust me with access to her inner, more real and undiscovered self, because she has not granted my innocence, she has held me into my innerSINS and my own faults and problems, namely blaming ME for my drug problems without any intention to heal, address or examine her own and how they are also contributing to our turmoil. I asked her a few weeks ago to have 'one last hurrah' with me and then we both go sober together and I got laughed at. Funny thing, that intention of growth being constantly overlooked and underestimated.

Despite all the 'credentials' she has given me, the proof that I have shown thru example of my friendship and loyalty Ive shown with her (trust!) it feels as if I'm being treated like someone who is broken, unapproachable, and not worth the effort..."written off" is how it feels, whether that is the intention or not, that is how her actions make me feel because her only interactions with me as of late, have been to avoid me, make me feel guilty for 'not being there for Matyas' and try and stop me from 'being on uppers' by 'doing downers' with her and Matyas so I can 'be on the same page as them' (what page is that, exactly?) and why cant what they want be experessed without drugs HAVING to even BE involved, because quite honestly, I'd like to see some more sober communication amongst us all!

Youre saying I need to chill, calm down, slow up , relax? im ChiLLin Like A V'iLLiN...Like MYSELF, my chill is much more zen and relaxed than what you guys are used to- so much it makes you uncomfortable to sit in silence and think about all the things that swirl when avoidance isnt AN OPTION and you choose to not run away, but sit in whatever comes up in you.

And what is it that you know about me and how I truly feel that allows you to believe it's in everyone's best interest to hold people's bad habits against them until they try to replace it with the one you do(?), then they are on your side, willing to be on 'the same page' and worthy of acting like they are actually an equal person?

thats what your actions are teaching me

and I'm not just this 'fountain of advice or money loaning center' that can be taken for granted if that very same advice is used in order to bring awareness to what is really going on, and not contribute to it further, knowingly, by being ignorant of other's emotions to begin with by worrying about 'not upsetting someone'

WHO THE FUCK CARES IF THEY GET UPSET, THEY CAN GET GLAD AGAIN AS SOON AS THEY CHOOSE, IF IT's TRUTH AND ITS REAL AND ITS COMING FROM SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT, THEN IF THEY GET UPSET ITS BECAUSE IT MATTERS! but the end of everything isnt if we get upset at one another, it's when we dont address and heal why we become upset with each other DESPITE all this tip-toeing and hoola-hooping through and around each other's 'supposed concluded reactions'.

It seems as if those who are worrying about what others think too often are making the same crucial mistakes ...such as assuming you know how each other is going to act and feel so well that you can decide for them, and act accordingly as to NOT elicit any negative response or retaliation for believing that's a valid excuse for NOT sharing your actual truth, but giving away your power and responsibility to those who you claim:

'dont let me finish'
'wont listen to me'
'dont understand me'
'dont have it as hard as I do"
'is always attacking me"

or any other statement that BLAMES SOMEONE ELSE for the position that they are 'forced?' into (by their own submission) and refusal to accept responsibility for their own actions and choices that lead themselves right into the 'backed into a corner' (a position that really only belongs to street prostitutes, it's their turf, come on...they earned it)

and im NOT attacking Marla in any way, I'm merely using my blog as the tool to work through what so many of us have trouble with in our every day lives so that it can be used as an exmple to share myself, and my life in the truest way possible, being vulnerable is REQUIRED for growth, and that is my INTENTION for this posting, to take anger and hurt and understand them for what they are by FEELING IT IN THE MOMENT, and letting it go, so that I can begin to re-route that energy and turn it back into loving, healing energy by using it creatively, for the good of all to at least hear how I feel and how I think about it.

(even though all may not be feeling like they are getting 'the good' from me, they can kindly see the V'iLLiN...er villain if they would like too-after all - when you make enemies out of your friends, someone has to be the 'bad' guy?)

whether you think you're right, or you think your're wrong...You're right...)
whatever you believe is what you will manifest, even if its all the situations WE DONT WANT or HOW WRONG EVERYTHING IS or WHAT WE ALREADY KNOW, they're building/limiting our perceptions and experiences, so AWARENESS IS REQUIRED to responsibly manifest your greatest dreams -

If you cannot believe that the universe is on your side, then how can you EVER recieve anything from it that you'll appreciate?!?

IMAGINE SAY...
its kinda like asking a man in his late fifties with a white van to go around offering kids candy-shaped health food in just a witty apron to prove he believes nutrition and sexual freedom are important from a young age -
no one's buyin it at first glance... (bear with me, this is getting to be one grizzly metaphore. . .)

but if every day you saw that mid-fifty year old dude bustin his (bare?) butt driving around the block (hybrid, duh) NOT BEING A CREEPY STEREOTYPE, but GIVING OUT GOODNESS & NUTRITION & FUN & LOVE with something that JUST APPEARS TO BE "CANDY"
should he be stopped because he just LOOKS like he MIGHT do harm, even though HE PERSONALLY has not?

(appears as harmful to all the judgemental fear-holders/searchers/attractors who are literally 'ON THE LOOKOUT' for their white-van driving old creepy dude handing out candy to kids on the block so they can justify having that fear/belief that those people DO exist, or else why fear it so? )

*take a deep breath and pause for humor*
if only the humor in that ametaforementioned

(people have some fear of it being a holiday more than one day a year or something lol, its like totally STUPID or INCONCEIVIBLE to 'make every day Christmas' or 'dress up like halloween and give out candy on easter' - oh wait we let the rabbits do that for us, they control the eggs....I forgot. ...which came first again? the rabbit or the hole?)

All im saying is that if you dont DECIDE to trust and take responsibility for your own power to create your life youve been using thus far subconsciously, semi-awareness, no longer can you justify ignorance towards all the 'hogwash' the universe has dealt you and CHOOSE to see the beauty in your life, and everywhere else you WILL ONLY SEE MORE OF IT. (People see what they want to see right, right or wrong, youre right, right?)

So seriously, if youre not making the conscious CHOICE to be a part of the healing and LIMIT the amount of suffering you create for yourself and others THEN SOMEONE ELSE CHOSE TO BE PART OF THAT PROCESS FOR YOU, NOT ME - YOU'RE WASTING MY TIME AND YOURS - AND WE HAVE SUCH A PRECIOUS AMOUNT OF IT (be careful, I dont mean like im the mecca perfectionsist healing guru or anything, I am trying to limit my own suffering the best way I know how, I can do more, I am doing more and more every day)

what one thing can we do RIGHT now that we know we should to take a step towards our goals. what is the FIRST thing YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD DO, but arent doing, you could take action towards RIGHT NOW?

I just mean go easy on ourselves but also make those hard descions with a SMILE, make choices that feel good (if what you're doing doesn't FEEL GOOD, it probably isn't the best choice for you...!!), support the good of the whole, and support the things that make you happy and that you believe in, and you will find you are supported in ways you cannot even begin to think about without a feeling to correspond it's relatability

AND THAT FEELING IS BEING BLOCKED BY OUR OWN IDEAS, PERSPECTIVES, TRAUMAS & EXPERIENCES THAT WE STORE IN THE BODY WITHOUT CONSCIOUS AWARENESS OF (at first)
AND UNTIL WE ALLOW THE BODY TO LET GO OF THOSE OLD NEGATIVE OUTDATED/UNTAPPED ENERGIES BY ACCESSING THEM WITH THE BREATH AND RELEASING THEIR BLOCKING EFFECTS SIMPLY BY FEELING WHAT YOUR BODY HAS BEEN KEEPING FOR YOU AND FROM YOU.

BY THE INTENTION TO FEEL & HEAL WHATS IN YOURSELF, you open the doorway to ALL NEW paths of discovery that SEEM IMPOSSIBLE JUST TO THINK ABOUT when you are in a low energy state of depression, sadness, anger, resent, or guilt. THE MIND IS AN ENEMY when those are the only feelings you CHOSE to operate within by CHOSING NOT to seek the higher path (vibration) of LOVE, ACCEPTANCE and APPRECIATION at all times. Any time you deny yourself this option, you are CONTRIBUTING TO YOUR OWN SUFFERING, and should post a *mental pylon* to this area of choice BECAUSE IT NEEDS SOME FUCKIN RECONSTRUCTION OKAY?

god its not so bad, everyone on the planet is undergoing the same things in a different perspective, so CHILL OUT, RELAX and QUIT MAKING AN ENEMY OUT OF THE UNIVERSE AND THAT WAY YOU CAN SEE YOUR FRIENDS FOR WHO THEY REALLY ARE...

If the Universe is our enemy, were going to make even our best friends into our enemy because true friendship cannot exist in a world that is en gaurde for "If it seems to good to be true it probably is..." ...IS TRUE!!! is what it should say.

everyone is afraid of seeming like they didnt know "yeah I know" "im fully aware" "oh i know" "you dont have to tell me" "trust me...i know all about..."

I catch myself doing it too - wanting to say I know, when I didnt, or just 'cutting people off' mentally with what "I think they are going to say" in my head so I stop listening and fill in the rest of their story with my own story of who they are AND THAT IS WHACK.

CUTE-TIP:
try this...if you want to know what someone 'thinks' of you, just talk slowly (slower than the other person) and put a pause in the middle of your statement - somewhere that indicates you are thinking about what to say, and allow the person to finish your sentance for you. . .

were they correct at assuming what you wanted to express, or did they cut you off quickly to fill in your thoughts for you so they didnt have to listen as attentively as one who had no preconcieved ideas about what is going to be said, expressed or shared, so they were able to let someone tell their own original story outside of OUR OWN PROJECTIONS on who they are what theyre going to say and how we could possiblly subject ourself to conversation we 'didnt already know how it was going to end' the same as always.

people will insert their sentance finishers too if they have a habit of controlling others through their own fears of freedom of speech going somewhere they CANNOT control and therefore always have to DIRECT and MANEUVER and DICTATE the conversations, topics and DIVERT from the truth, create dramas to steal energy from others and make the communication TOXIC..on purpose, so that they too feel you are as umcomfortable in SILENCE as well as mid-INTERACTION as they are.

I even apologized when she returned for sounding snarky if thats how she felt, but it again was one-sided because she didn't say anything back at all, so clearly she is set in her ways of being right, and no matter how I address her, she can just go back to doing K and drinking and pretending like im not even there anyways.
If someone who suffers from substance abuse makes another's substance abuse the reason/cause for their 'punsihment' isnt that just welcoming the same type of behaviour that is projecting???

LAW OF ATTRACTION, KIDS!

so -

DONT LET OTHERS SPEAK FOR YOU. youre just giving away your power.
DONT USE THE EXCUSES 'YOU NEVER LET ME...__________" or "CAN I FINISH?" as a mask for your ears.


BRING OTHERS UP TO YOUR LEVEL, DONT SINK TO POWERLESS(lock)NESS, Monster!

love ya Marla, were on the same side here

______________________Y A W N _____________________
and look at the [BED] TIME. . .

HAVE THE MOST FOOLISH APRIL FOOLS DAY EVER, K EVERYONE? (without judgement)
THE BEST IS YET TO COME, CUZ THAT RABBIT AINT EVEN HARE YET!

Come Again!? Jesus, Hop To It!

Stev'ILL