MERRY CHRISTMAS - Here's a brand new mix!

Merry Christmas 2015!

V'1LL1N & B3LLAB3AT - JINGLE BALLIN'

Laughable Cry Teary? Yeah.

[expanded from a facebook post on 11/19/15]

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Laugh, a bull!?! Cry Teary? Yeah.

I have been astonished by the amount of grace, love and trust that has just exploded all over heart and being from the very simple acts of listening, understanding, and being compassionate!

I was expecting to be met with anger, judgement, fear, blame, sadness and loss in the face of having to be strong, honest and courageous in order to do something tough and spontaneous that seemed to have no positive outcome and could potentially ruin everything in a freak-accident kinda way.

Instead-I got warmth, honesty, and instant enlightenment...

The frozen tears changed to rainbows and melted away my past of pain, and into an airy and spacious timeless moment I stumbled again, so happy to have arrived back here to this healing spectrum of emotion that proves its divinity by two seemingly opposite-seeming feelings turning into itself and each other both ways like your thinking mind is like a dog (serpent?) biting its own tail.

I felt the strength of all those things, those free 'gifts' from Chrissy and Elly that so easily (easy for them to say?) ignited the burners of transformation and it's sharp and vibrant as an HD fire pit, a previously unknown (before now) comfort ran through me as I sooooo unexpectedly dipped into that ceremonious moment where you are laughing at yourself because you don't believe that your crying tears of laughter instead of tears of sadness, which is the golden gift of completion - the death has come and the old way has been taken.

That is worthy of grieving, so of course-you BEGIN to cry. But upon the realization that there is no longer anything left to cry about!

__________

"self" to self:

[Nothing left?,

"Yup. It took off. It's gone."

"Now all that's here is something! And its actually loving and kind?!"

I didn't want nothing left, I wanted no-thing, right?]

__________

And still yet- "you" witness "yourself" laughing at yourself crying, from a more distant awareness that has an even grander sense of humour about "who you think you are". And the joke that the universe conspired to help you play on yourself was one that you cannot help but to laugh at yourself for falling for such a brilliant lesson. (Humor is after all, a sense). You see how stupid you can be, and how stupid and silly it ALL IS - for that timeless moment.

I am soul very grateful (my soul told me to tell you that) someone cared to show that amount of honesty, understanding and kind-heartedness.  

See what it can do?

Laughter IS the best medicine.

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Words of newly flowing advice:

Don't ever tell anyone not to cry. Everyone is just a big baby anyways. And Mother Earth has us all in her arms whether we decide to cry ourselves to sleep or laugh at the truth?

Theres enough nipples for everyone!!!

The cows can get finally a rest.

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This carpet finished my sentance at 11:11. I was repeating whatAlex Snow-Rhys said to me on the phone which was "If you need me ill still be up." as I said "up" I looked down and read the carpet at the same time which leads to a "Shut the FU*k up!!", the last word of my sentace got finished by the f'n carpet out of what is that, string? paper? angel hair?

The carpet is magic, it found a needle in a haystack and it finishes your sentences for you.

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Thanks Krissy, Elly, Biggy Rouge, Barbie & KyKy. You all were part of my lessons yesterday. Love yall.

Lesson (L)earned? 11/11

Just came back from the casino and I feel like I let myself down again.

All day long I had this feeling that I would be lucky today at the casino because its the new moon and 11/11 and 11 is my favourite number to bet on, and it has provided me with the most riches whenever I decide to hit the casino and try my "luck".

So I pulled a card to verify my hunch and I first got the "Obstacles and Challenges" card. Which is nothing new, but often a not good sign to go to the casino.  But the feeling was so strong that I questioned the challenge and pulled another card, to which I got the "Victory & Success" card, which to me meant that there might be some challenges at first, but to endure the obstacles and that if I stuck with it, I would be victorious.  Then just to be sure thats what I was feeling, I drew one more card, to which I got an ace...#1 - "Prosperity Begins".  Which sold me.  Thats what I need- prosperity to begin.  Not this bullshit mentality of lack I have been swimming in lately with all these new expenses.  Those are the type of signs I trust in when I go to something that which has such a degree of doubt like the casino and come out on top.  If it didn't usually work, I wouldn't believe in my system.

So it took a a while, but I knew that I was supposed to go and just bet on 11 & 1.  Which is what I did.  So I took my time to choose the table that felt right to me, and when I did, I used the last of my money to bet on 11 & 1....and on my last bet, I finally hit 11, and I clapped and cheered, I won back my money and then some, so I was elated...I thought I am now about to have enough to make bigger bets and get what I came for.  And the cycle went through again, and I didnt hit it again....so with the last of my excess, and what I originally bet in my pocket, I thought "well I havent lost so, maybe I should just walk out now..."  I wondered if I should just put it all down again on what I believed in, and continue my intuition.  Then because one is not allowed to text at the table, I stepped back to text my awaiting ride to say that "I am only breaking even after a half hour, Im not sure what to do..." the table hit 11!!  I freaked out.  FUCK OFF.  

Then I texted that it hit while I stepped back, and the next turn- HIT number 1!

FUCK OFF!

My jaw dropped and my stomach sank and I gasped again.  REALLY?  What I had been envisioning ALL DAY just hit consecutively while I WASNT FUCKING PLAYING!?!

And as I tried not to get discouraged, I thought that I shouldn't give up yet.  So I then bet the rest of my chips (what I came in with) on my numbers, only to have the dealer shyly act uninterested and then continue to hit none of the numbers at all and I watch all my money disappear in a swoop of doubt and misused opportunity, making my doubt come true and watching my desires melt away as I realize that I made the biggest mistake, yet again- that I have been continuously making.

Doubting myself and my inner feeling.

Why did I quit when it seemed hardest?  Why did I doubt myself?  Why didn't I trust my intuition?  Why did I seek the approval of someone else not even involved to stick with my hunch?  Why the FUCK didn't I listen to myself?  I could have had my worries solved (if only for the time being) and would have been able to support myself and move forward on this whole journey but instead I lost.  I'm so disappointed with myself right now, I was soooooooooo close and everything I wanted was THERE.  I just made the wrong choice and let doubt into the equation and the second I stepped back, the universe delivered what I felt it would the entire time.

What kinda shit is that?!  A lesson.  At the very least.

I suppose thats the nature of gambling.  But I should know better by now.   

I could have had all my worries erased tonight, that was the feeling I had...instead I created more.

I know "coulda, shoulda woulda" never got anyone anywhere, but I know how close I was and I have no one to blame but myself.  I just want to get out of this hole.

The Best Part of Having a Maid is...actually KNOWING you have one.

When someone random just BURSTS into your room vaccuum-clad and surprised you're there, what would be your first reaction?  

It took a couple seconds to click in that this woman holding a hose in her hand was here to clean! 

Very thankfully I wasn't holding my hose in my hand.  

She is hilariously cool and unaffected by my mess that she tells me not to bother moving while she states "I try not to touch anything" -as she grabs for my semi-exposed bottles of lube beside my bed on the floor with her bare hands and fumbles them butterfinger style and they roll all over the floor. 

I guess we have a maid.  Apparently she has been here four times before.  Maybe this is why she was surprised to see me in my room.

Good to know.

Wait, a cleaning lady isn't a maid.  But it does sound more privileged.   Well from the havers perspective, maybe not the doers.  

As a token of my appreciation, I gave her some Citrine so hopefully she attracts enough prosperity she never has to clean my room again.  She just wants to.  Ha ha.  I am surprisingly blessed that she does.

That really sucked.  Her Vaccuum, I mean.  

Thanks Deena!

Last 24 hours were so stress inducing that this lightened everything up!  

Our Lady Peace'd

I was just driving back from Joe's house and I had the radio on 94.9 because our Lady Peace's Naveed just started playing and I had not heard it in a long time and I listened to the song and heard it in a whole new way, as it brought back memories of who I was and how I was thinking in the past.

I listened and sang and got goosebumps, when the song was ending I questioned how perfect it was that I needed to hear that, and then it was over so I changed the channel to 102.1 and Naveed started playing AGAIN on that station right at the very beginning....it was near seamless!

Hmmmm ...any doubt out the window. 

Here are the lyrics for the song:

NAVEED

are you there, and is it comfortable? 
did you want to escape, try to escape the 
population? 
the pressure is deceiving, 
and for you particularly should we let a 
young man die? 
let him die if he wants to? 
I can't live here anymore 
it's hard when you reach for that floor 
and 
and there's something that tears me 
inside, so I can't go 

brother are you there? 
now tell me is it wonderful 
or were you hoping to find something a 
little more? 

climbing down the hours I need to know 
now 
do the hands of time only rule this 
chapter 
i'll have to try once again, i'll have to try 
when I want to 
there he's on his knees again 
trying hard to understand 
why Naveed would let a young man die 
convinced that he might break he reaches 
for that phone 
and then another day has gone

I cant live here anymore.

Hit me like a tank. 

ha ha. 

Songs have always came on the radio in a magical way for me, but just in traveling a short distance having an old, impactful song come on twice in a row seamlessly on different stations, is pretty rare, so I was compelled to look into it further. 

Still such a great song.

That feeling you get when you have so much doubt in your realm of possibility and STILL-you 'seemingly randomly' end up at the perfect place at the right time.

Finally, after ALL THIS thinking...

I was really blessed last Tuesday to get to attend this talk!  It was recommended to me by an awesome someone I didnt know very well, and not only did she recommend that I go, I even ran into her right before the event and she kindly reminded me.  Even had I forgot, another friend of mine also knew about it and invited me and even offered to pay my way in!

Thanks so much Chantel & Jimmy!

It was apparently impossible to avoid.  I was supposed to be there.  I know that for sure.  I guess so did they!  There were about 40 people there I would imagine, all sitting on chairs in a relaxing yoga studio.  There were people in their twenties and people in their sixties, it was fairly diverse in ages but everyone there was super nice and super interested.

Paul began to talk and his personality and charisma started to shine through.  His accent sounded like he was visiting from New York or New Jersey, yet he had a warm welcoming tendancy to use "yeh?' after all his statements just to keep you caught up with him, which is something I normally hear a British person do.

Coming from an addict and alcoholic, it seemed even more substantial because of where he came from to get to this point.  He actually found this path through the twelve steps.

Having not written anything down (I should have brought a notebook!) Im gonna do my best to go over what he spoke of and trying to weave my understanding of it along with it.

Paul started out talking about what bondage truly is, and how it is attached to our SELF we are, how we are obsessd with ourselves and in order for our false sense of "self" to live, it has to appear like it IS us through our thinking.

An idea.  A Thought.  

But from who?  We have to then own it by making ideas and thoughts and feelings "our" thought, or "my idea".

The self, the ego, the thinker, the separate human being, the individual.  Anything that you identify with, really.   So identification causes bondage because as soon you identify with something, make it yours or call it "my" or "mine" than you have missed the point and the non-real part of you (the ego) is trying to create your reality by thinking of the past and the future and all the limited things that it can only think of and keeps "you" out of the moment.  

It is not you.  

We are not our thoughts, our thoughts are crazy.  We most certainly are not just our bodies.  

Yet we are obsessed with self.

If we are observing this mind having these thoughts about who we think is ourself...who or what is that? 

We are the ever-expanding infinite light of GOD and we are all one and the same thing.  All separateness is illusion and when you step back and observe the psychotic ego as a tool to use, not to use you - you find that sweet spot of wholeness, great truth and pure loving joy that truly exists in our hearts and souls knowing...that sweet, yet, so hard-to-find spot that so many are trying very hard to find.

But that is the trick or the heist as Paul refers to it.  Your idea of reality and your power to be present in the moment (all there ever is) are hijacked by your thinking mind making you believe that you are not who you really are.

But thats where this all feels like the "veil", the "curtain", the illusion!

You cant find it by seeking it.  You cant look for it, or see it or hear it.   Its not somewhere you can even look or go.  You cant do anything to find it.  You don't have to.  It is you, and when you realize what you're not, what you are will become clear.

As soon as you start "doing" something (looking, reading, thinking, talking, worrying, saving, etc) about any other moment other than now, you have missed the point.  (And the moment).  Being the noun in your story is not going to get you anywhere.  (And oddly enough you don't need to go anywhere, so at least that's simple).  

When you become "The Doer" you become bound.  Your false idea of yourself (your thinking mind) attaches or bonds itself with ownership to anything it can in order to make you believe that it is you; because you see your experience as yours.   

You cannot find freedom from invisible slavery, because you are tied to all these things. You cannot escape self with self!  They have become your identity and identification with form equals slavery.  It is a mental slavery that has no way out.  It is only in.  

If you are a slave to your obsession with self and you think that is you because it only appears to be, and you have racing thoughts and think only about the things "you know", and whats not happening - then peace will elude you because you are fooling yourself about who "you" are.  

So...Who Am I?

All these years spent defining who I am and what my individual traits are and how I "fit in" or don't, or what it means to be different, or alone or independent, all these things dont really mean fuck all.  I mean they do on certain levels, but really they are all just obstacles in the grand illusion where everyone only appears to be separate.  

Oh. That's just howwww it seeeeeeeems.  Right. Right.  

I am not an "I"  unless it is to create and decide what "I AM"

I am not or never have been alone.  I am not and never have been out of the moment.  I am not limited.  I am not a body.  I am not my mind.  So then, I put it aside and cannot repeat the many "I's".

Paul also said that "I can only teach what I am not".  Which I didn't get at first, but now see this way:

If you only teach what you know you are, then you identify with that thing, and those knowings only lead back to identification and mental slavery and suffering.  

If you already know something, than you are blocked off from learning about it.  You can only teach what you don't know.  And you may not know what you are, but you do know what you are not.

There is an order and placement to these steps that you must 'apply' correctly to 'understand' in an enlightened sense- because you are actually enlightened by the process of the aha! that hits you with the light of just how fucking silly it actually is to listen to the things our self-centred mind will try to make us believe! 

Its not the thoughts that are the problem, its that we think we are ones thinking them.  If you do not make them yours then they come and go with way less weight.    

Paul made all this sound so dumpster-politics that a three year old mexican border-town-child should be able to understand it, which- is sort of true.  Its the most complicated simplicity because only the mind complicates things.  But achieving the simplicity of it all is the real struggle and the REAL reward.  Its hard to 'believe" until you do it.  

Surrendering your 'identity' into the flow and really basking in your connection to everything.  And being able to do so at any time.

Enlightenment and peace of mind isn't something you go get or achieve or are missing, it's something you are.

You cant just think about it, there is no way to only think your way to freedom and into enlightenment.  

Just thinking about it will NEVER work, ever.  

You cant get there from here.

So tricky, and fascinating, and tricky, but tremendously enlightening. I feel like this guy really understands how people "think" and the false"self" pretends to be something that makes us believe we are that, when in fact we are definitely not that at all. 

We are so much more!

We are what we're looking for.

artwork M Varga

Im gonna watch many more videos on Paul, this is very inspiring and Id really like to absorb all I can,  This feels very very important for me.  His website is http://zenbitchslap.com.

FIVE YEARS LATER...The Blog is Back!

It's 2015!

I haven't been writing on my blog since 2010!  

That is absolutely crazy, and it has to stop!

Why did it stop?  

I feel like I always say this, but recently, I have been having the feeling to write more and more, and although I still write in my journals and notebooks and on my phone and on paper and napkins and such, I really enjoy the blog medium and kind of miss it because I can incorporate a lot of different mediums into one story.  I can use my writing, and my photos I take and art from the net and link and add music and all kinds of cool things you don't get to do when your writing to yourself in a book.   It makes it more fun.  Its funny and I don't know why I get this feeling often, but I hate when writing feels like a 'chore'.  And it has to stop!  

Lately this feeling to write more and document whats going on with me has become greater and greater, something is pushing me to share more.  Probably because I have not been writing enough, so there is a tremendous backlog blocking my potentially current inspirations. And it has to stop!

So I intend to do something for my website/blog each day just go get back in the habit.  I wish to create new adventures, possibilities and opportunities, so well see where this takes me.  

So start the 21-day habit-creating process here.  I wanna have some fun with this. 

Stop Stopping Here.

START.

Tally Ho!