Positive Aspects/Gratitude List for my Birthday Week 2010

Had a pretty wild week, lots of things went down, and Id prefer to remember the good things from May 11-17 while I was in Toronto for my Birthday:

-Going out for drinks n fajitas with Alex @ Sneaky Dees

-Great grab bag of gifts from Alex including a useful Tarot book, an awesome Bassnectar vinyl and some yummy coconut beeswax moisturizer and the lotr reading as well!

-Drinking Beers in the Cawthra Park with Magz and almost getting busted by the cops had it not been for the way more suspicious gang of 17 year olds behind us who they went to first and the cops yelling "hey you forgot your beer!!" as we were booking it out of there.

-Going to listen to tunes at Play De with Magz dispite the selection being poor

-Going to Thymless and seeing Olivia, A2, Liz, Scarbred, Elbowkickin and then going back to the complex after and seeing Ray.

-Getting to chill with old friends back at the complex, doing readings for peeps there, A2, Ray, Chantelle, Kim and helping heal Troubles sinus' with my stones ;)

-Getting a call from my bro and mom

-Getting to share my rhymes and poetry with Ray, made me write/rhyme a lot more and be super creative & got to talk & share a lotta personal stuff about our lives

-The huge mural on the blackboard I did over a couple days at Chantelle's place.

-Chantelle, Ray, Mags & Elise for being super hospitable and letting me stay there

-Getting to talk to Meghan from Texas, and James being there and getting to chat with him, whom I had not talked to in over 6 years, definitely an awesome gift!

-Nicole buying me a birthday lunch @ Licks and Ice cream from Sarah!!

-Going to World of Drum n Bass with Magz & Noel

-Having the Proper shirt to rock at the party

-Seeing so many of my friends @ WODB - Feeva, Sandie, Jamie, Johnny K saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY a hundred times, Matyas, AJ, McNaughty, Elbowkickin, 'Random' Guy wishing me happy birthday

-Bustin out like back in the day with Magz on the dancefloor to SS even tho sound was pooched

-Jammin with Brockout & Hoogz and all the crew after WODB at the complex

-Getting sung happy birthdaty on my machine from Sandie & Shaunasie

-The Jones Chocolate Coin Soda 'Cake'

-The tons of birthday wishes I got from a lot of people

-Getting an extra $20 from Tristan at the Liquor Store when I got cashback..ooops!

-Finally seeing Sarah & Sophie on the way home!

__________________________________________

Foggy Mirror?

I would benefit greatly from taking the time to plan out the things I want to accomplish and experience and work towards over the next couple years by planning it out very methodically using the abundance of skills I already have to make what I desire manifest to the greatest of all possibilites and give that opportunity to myself, that chance, that support and that work into my future and my growth and development and of course, my purpose. Taking one year and planning it out so that I have GOALS, FOCUS, DIRECTION and COMMITMENT to a set/series of projects, plans, dreams and aspirations that I have decided upon long before and calculated continual progress.

What I have to offer is something so great that the more I dont offer myself the more I start to feel out of synch with who I really am and what should feel natural to me. I know this because I feel the great difference in how much I have offered more and more and how much it has come back to me greatly when I do. Not sharing myself hasn't usually panned out with too much success because it always makes me second guess and question and beat myself up about what I should have done and didnt, and it stings because I know that I could have. Regret was always my descision making parameter because it was the last thing I wanted to live my life with, so making descisions based on a "will I regret doing it, or will I regret not doing it??" basis alone is somehow not a complete strategy. ha ha ha.

But thats the thing...thinking that anything is possible to me sometimes makes me feel like im in a catch 22 (not for long) because I have the habit of imaging the best most 'unlikely' scenario based out of an intention to immediately allign with fantasy and work from there. So sometimes I picture an extreme of possibilities with someone or some thing and therefore in seeing/creating/imagining the best case scenario and not immediately dismissing anything except for in some cases, myself. I stack my odds so high and win enough gambles that I KNOW anything is possible so I put a lot of pressure on myself and invest in that 'dream/vision/perspective' of a perfect outcome that if done properly, could manifest far beyond my expectations!

oh...wow there we go. my expectations.

Those intentions somehow become expectations or attachments to an outcome and then when I begin to interact within that mentality and process, I lose my power.

Sometimes even when I KNOW what I feel, If it feels important or 'impossible' the more im attracted to it, the more I want to achieve/accomplish/conquor/nurture/honour and be successful at it cuz it 'really means something' to me. (what is that something?? what is that feeling of it meaning something unspecified?) So then I doubt my ability to cary out these wishes/fantasies/dreams/actions thru the eyes of others and immediately I feel powerless.

In a mere second- some reason I give all of my own power and possibility to influence my own circumstance positively over to the other person or 'figure' or establishment, but usually a person because they then in my mind- have the ability to 'make' or 'break' me, or what my idea of me is to them based on my assumption of their ability to fullfil/grant/accept/deny/bend to my desires/wishes/requests/ and how badly Im willing to risk myself if it all goes tits up

I have lost my power due to my expectations, my attachment to the outcome and my doubt in my own abilty/path/intuition/confidance/appearance that facilitates the ongoing blips on my radar that are flagging attention. Over and over again, its a nagging feeling that is saying "you are not giving it your best". "You are not yourself" You are not the best you that you can be.

So in that I feel anxious, self-conscious, or fearful that I may mess it up, that I might be wrong or that I may look stupid or I guess ultimately- judged or disliked by people I have a strong attraction/affinity/emotional investment/interest? in is like the worst possible scenario to me that could unfold in my mental mindfuck of myself so the greatest desires/dreams also hold that potential to become my biggest failures/catastrophies/nightmares (ie - learning opportunities and acquiring essential alchemy tools to transmute and grow and know myself) so in essence, I fear the opposite of my seed ideas because they are the actualization of a failed attempt at whatever I shot for the moon/sun/stars/heavens with if even only mentally and emotionally at times (or expectation-ally).

Oh no, someone I love or respect might not think the highest of me if I dont act appropriately...lmao. Where have my balls gone?

My own expectations are not valid to apply to anyone or any situation unless they are only on myself, and only if they are fair/positive and resonating with my best intentions. Used as a measure of what to expect from myself-

This, over time-- will grow and change, as I have-but I can see it as also valuable educationally to build a further set of more accurate and transformative expectations of only myself as I learn more and more of what myself really means and what/why/when I can expect from myself and how to fine tune that [me] well enough that I would learn how to not place such mental weight/tonnage/toxicity on myself because these same 'minor'/major(?) fear/action/willingness/ issues would no longer exist because If I was in tune with what I could really expect from myself, it would not be disempowerment from giving into/concentrating/focusing on my unrealistic, narrow faults, fears and opinions and those of others that all too often leave me out in the cold. the outsider card in the Osho Zen Tarot comes to mind here.

My expectations don't really belong anywhere else, because seemingly there is no benefit in expecting things from other people (actions/material/emotional) unless I have an agreement from both sides so that it is determined that such expectations were created with the intention and compliance that they will be met in a reliable or trust-weilding manor, like in business contract for for example.

Expectations even arrise from habit. Even when no words are spoken, and I repeat an action or an intention, the regularity and the pattern will start to condition itself to be 'routine' and I can expect more of the same thing next time because If I take now for granted tomorrow just becomes holographic hiccup of yesterday, and I understand how people could easily become complacent in how to expect better and more for themselves if they have stopped expecting the unexpected.

That's why that cliche makes so much sense. Cuz the only thing that should be expected is the unexpected...I never got it so many ways before now.

"If you dont have any expectations than every single thing you receive from the universe you can view as a gift." - Supernatural Sandie

IT TAKES, TOO!

IT TAKES, TOO!

It takes two to tango but the dance has got twelve steps

Wanna dodge like durango but you haven't hit rock bottom yet

Your drive may cliff dive -if its the beginning starter you forget

Truth allows the disguise to capsize leaving your comfort swept

It takes two to make a one sided mirror laugh back

Shit makes what you do what youre used to out of past attacks

Hit with an unexpected bolt of light and treacherous thunder blasts

Universal intent injected in vain out from under; smashed

Just as guilty filthy your strings; so somene tell my ghosts

Must I bring these demons to dinner you demand exposed

One, two left feet when it comes to redeeming hope I suppose

Step by step no more needing another; sever-much too close

I said from the start; you told me no return on the send

Then dead? head on! your heart you said; I could then depend

Why start a combo of right or wrong or a tall tale pretend

Why dont I trust a blend that doesn't end upon surprise decent

Forced for time- whats it all for if were all floored out of line

Who's stripes are higher in this retired punch drunk paradigm ?

A dozen monkeys make funny money in order to swing and climb

Its kinda funny that misfortune laughs when we reach for broken vines

Soundtrack! what weve found there's no record of having grasped-

A round and around of course, closed course; like private horse track

Bet you cant pick a number and pull a speeding rabbit out of your random hat

I wonder what you really see when you handsomely look at me like that

Labyrinth of paths both future and past; one way there- a hundred ways back

Dancing through suns rays as the moon plays thunderous claps

Nature has a way of making everything ok as long as you respect its mass

Power and grace synchronistically make the weather quake indifferent blasts

Split down the middle whats' fair is fair-in black and white

Omit this hit or miss riddlle that isnt even prepared or nurtured right

Showing your funniest bone to your mother on open mic night

Owning the flow that split the room in two like roof doomed-stalagtite

Maybe the steps are numbers that move up and down

Hazy hiccups and blunders that smooth out after you've moved around

Crazy pick ups and wonders that make you haul ass toward happy town

Over-Dramatic overpass wasted gas fast and now your dancing swims n drowns

Fighting for control causes more emotional toll for two already lonely clowns.

______________________________

Steven James Blair

Grow?er,Nada. Show her!?

Grower/Na/DaShowHer!/Who'sBoss?

Emotionally blocked?

No more like before-was cake walk

Wooden stake still sell me sunk stocks

Not worth the take to make heart stop

Accidentally trippin double trouble dropped

Not really lined up wall hittin oh I forgot

Blood money energy sucked and left to rot

Unkept promises too hot to trot

Truth transmute these irrational thoughts

Freedom in the shape of Mandelbrot's

Stop hugging me with chainsaws

Shrugging off meaning without a cause

Seeing the faults against all odds

Back handed compliments causing applause

Disbanded as if you planned it to flaw

Can we demand a plan that we act in law

No longer react because there is no longer last straw

Look past flaws to see such infinite beauty raw

Subdue me you influence me so forget me not

See right through trance-parent-seen blindspsot

Short and bitter sweet

Floor seats center court forces meet

Before all the others assemble their sheep

Lets lead them to pasture past your past keep

Passing plastic products of catastrophe through me do seep

Classic misuse of our innocent humanity

Drastic abuse of truths that create plans shaped angrily

Mistakes we make create the shape of unpaved road for me

Loves last chance has its first romance thru blind dated irony

So turning point or turning away

Buring another joint to start and end another day

Learning to point towards more or so I say

Concerned things learned to clip wings away

blurred things that I just gave away perhaps in fray

preferred to bring things that left me proud in a simple way

But admist a haze of maze and missed's I stopped to play

And kissed admidst its greatest hits thankful for this many birthdays

Presenting such great gifts to help dismiss past pain away

Short story long? overdrawn on card but underscoring

Report a distort in my self-esteem port I found deploring

If I was asleep at the wheel did I awaken from my own snoring

Repaved the path with a fire under the ass hard, for ignoring

Freshly shaved lawn and private parts for adoring and exploring

Mesh with me as we fulfill our collective destiny sights soaring

Pesticide free please hide beside me under this faulty flooring

Secretly slip under the radar with me- its you who called me! un- boring.

Dirty minded mine-feeled like a minefield of dreams this morning.

I cant find what it means to live within my means like queens of hoarding

Get going and stop just as fast

Regrets, know no one knows just what has passed

Love I suppose, when we pull those no show acts

Project a predictable cloud of smoke with bulls nose attack

Intellect and respect get the eject through foggy windows gone black

Dont begin with belief that deceit has not been imposed on your back

Select the most interesting way to keep kin closed in most and tracked

Due Dialect? a lot of talking a-holes-eating feet toes

Even though whats good to go is not what you first chose

To learn what's most meaningful and only then how to let go

Past of pain tell me how you feel the same

Cast of mummified father figure bigger picture shame

Smashed at last tomb to womb recycle room to renew and regain

Refrain from taking the main way though new tower of pain

Allowing our true power to flower and blossom again

Costing no loss to the lots of cutting corners by casting blame

Performing heartwarming acts and stepping into leader frame

Never believe that anything is simply the way it seems or will be again

Truth is what you believe so make sure your dragons are slain for zen

Just another situation of family frustration

Best put rest of the pressure in chest no money for medication

Well at least not of the pharmaceutical persuasion

Helping self-medicate an altered state of great and evil patients

Taking a break would be great if I could alieviate these sensations

But weeks after returning home I feel like I need another vacation

Not to get away from me, but to accept what in me is higher elevation

I want you to know my flow with yours goes wilder than temptation

Dont be a chicken and run for the boarder like a talk-oh?cock?y cajun!

Just engage and exchange some genuine displays for each to create in.

BROHMAGAWD

BROMSLICE

TOM BROKAW

LIL BRO PEEP

BROTAL RECAL

BIG BROTH...oh wait

BROLDEN GIRLS

V1LL1N SETS on SOUNDCLOUD!

CHECK EM OUT!