Laughable Cry Teary? Yeah.

[expanded from a facebook post on 11/19/15]

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Laugh, a bull!?! Cry Teary? Yeah.

I have been astonished by the amount of grace, love and trust that has just exploded all over heart and being from the very simple acts of listening, understanding, and being compassionate!

I was expecting to be met with anger, judgement, fear, blame, sadness and loss in the face of having to be strong, honest and courageous in order to do something tough and spontaneous that seemed to have no positive outcome and could potentially ruin everything in a freak-accident kinda way.

Instead-I got warmth, honesty, and instant enlightenment...

The frozen tears changed to rainbows and melted away my past of pain, and into an airy and spacious timeless moment I stumbled again, so happy to have arrived back here to this healing spectrum of emotion that proves its divinity by two seemingly opposite-seeming feelings turning into itself and each other both ways like your thinking mind is like a dog (serpent?) biting its own tail.

I felt the strength of all those things, those free 'gifts' from Chrissy and Elly that so easily (easy for them to say?) ignited the burners of transformation and it's sharp and vibrant as an HD fire pit, a previously unknown (before now) comfort ran through me as I sooooo unexpectedly dipped into that ceremonious moment where you are laughing at yourself because you don't believe that your crying tears of laughter instead of tears of sadness, which is the golden gift of completion - the death has come and the old way has been taken.

That is worthy of grieving, so of course-you BEGIN to cry. But upon the realization that there is no longer anything left to cry about!

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"self" to self:

[Nothing left?,

"Yup. It took off. It's gone."

"Now all that's here is something! And its actually loving and kind?!"

I didn't want nothing left, I wanted no-thing, right?]

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And still yet- "you" witness "yourself" laughing at yourself crying, from a more distant awareness that has an even grander sense of humour about "who you think you are". And the joke that the universe conspired to help you play on yourself was one that you cannot help but to laugh at yourself for falling for such a brilliant lesson. (Humor is after all, a sense). You see how stupid you can be, and how stupid and silly it ALL IS - for that timeless moment.

I am soul very grateful (my soul told me to tell you that) someone cared to show that amount of honesty, understanding and kind-heartedness.  

See what it can do?

Laughter IS the best medicine.

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Words of newly flowing advice:

Don't ever tell anyone not to cry. Everyone is just a big baby anyways. And Mother Earth has us all in her arms whether we decide to cry ourselves to sleep or laugh at the truth?

Theres enough nipples for everyone!!!

The cows can get finally a rest.

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This carpet finished my sentance at 11:11. I was repeating whatAlex Snow-Rhys said to me on the phone which was "If you need me ill still be up." as I said "up" I looked down and read the carpet at the same time which leads to a "Shut the FU*k up!!", the last word of my sentace got finished by the f'n carpet out of what is that, string? paper? angel hair?

The carpet is magic, it found a needle in a haystack and it finishes your sentences for you.

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Thanks Krissy, Elly, Biggy Rouge, Barbie & KyKy. You all were part of my lessons yesterday. Love yall.

Lesson (L)earned? 11/11

Just came back from the casino and I feel like I let myself down again.

All day long I had this feeling that I would be lucky today at the casino because its the new moon and 11/11 and 11 is my favourite number to bet on, and it has provided me with the most riches whenever I decide to hit the casino and try my "luck".

So I pulled a card to verify my hunch and I first got the "Obstacles and Challenges" card. Which is nothing new, but often a not good sign to go to the casino.  But the feeling was so strong that I questioned the challenge and pulled another card, to which I got the "Victory & Success" card, which to me meant that there might be some challenges at first, but to endure the obstacles and that if I stuck with it, I would be victorious.  Then just to be sure thats what I was feeling, I drew one more card, to which I got an ace...#1 - "Prosperity Begins".  Which sold me.  Thats what I need- prosperity to begin.  Not this bullshit mentality of lack I have been swimming in lately with all these new expenses.  Those are the type of signs I trust in when I go to something that which has such a degree of doubt like the casino and come out on top.  If it didn't usually work, I wouldn't believe in my system.

So it took a a while, but I knew that I was supposed to go and just bet on 11 & 1.  Which is what I did.  So I took my time to choose the table that felt right to me, and when I did, I used the last of my money to bet on 11 & 1....and on my last bet, I finally hit 11, and I clapped and cheered, I won back my money and then some, so I was elated...I thought I am now about to have enough to make bigger bets and get what I came for.  And the cycle went through again, and I didnt hit it again....so with the last of my excess, and what I originally bet in my pocket, I thought "well I havent lost so, maybe I should just walk out now..."  I wondered if I should just put it all down again on what I believed in, and continue my intuition.  Then because one is not allowed to text at the table, I stepped back to text my awaiting ride to say that "I am only breaking even after a half hour, Im not sure what to do..." the table hit 11!!  I freaked out.  FUCK OFF.  

Then I texted that it hit while I stepped back, and the next turn- HIT number 1!

FUCK OFF!

My jaw dropped and my stomach sank and I gasped again.  REALLY?  What I had been envisioning ALL DAY just hit consecutively while I WASNT FUCKING PLAYING!?!

And as I tried not to get discouraged, I thought that I shouldn't give up yet.  So I then bet the rest of my chips (what I came in with) on my numbers, only to have the dealer shyly act uninterested and then continue to hit none of the numbers at all and I watch all my money disappear in a swoop of doubt and misused opportunity, making my doubt come true and watching my desires melt away as I realize that I made the biggest mistake, yet again- that I have been continuously making.

Doubting myself and my inner feeling.

Why did I quit when it seemed hardest?  Why did I doubt myself?  Why didn't I trust my intuition?  Why did I seek the approval of someone else not even involved to stick with my hunch?  Why the FUCK didn't I listen to myself?  I could have had my worries solved (if only for the time being) and would have been able to support myself and move forward on this whole journey but instead I lost.  I'm so disappointed with myself right now, I was soooooooooo close and everything I wanted was THERE.  I just made the wrong choice and let doubt into the equation and the second I stepped back, the universe delivered what I felt it would the entire time.

What kinda shit is that?!  A lesson.  At the very least.

I suppose thats the nature of gambling.  But I should know better by now.   

I could have had all my worries erased tonight, that was the feeling I had...instead I created more.

I know "coulda, shoulda woulda" never got anyone anywhere, but I know how close I was and I have no one to blame but myself.  I just want to get out of this hole.

The Best Part of Having a Maid is...actually KNOWING you have one.

When someone random just BURSTS into your room vaccuum-clad and surprised you're there, what would be your first reaction?  

It took a couple seconds to click in that this woman holding a hose in her hand was here to clean! 

Very thankfully I wasn't holding my hose in my hand.  

She is hilariously cool and unaffected by my mess that she tells me not to bother moving while she states "I try not to touch anything" -as she grabs for my semi-exposed bottles of lube beside my bed on the floor with her bare hands and fumbles them butterfinger style and they roll all over the floor. 

I guess we have a maid.  Apparently she has been here four times before.  Maybe this is why she was surprised to see me in my room.

Good to know.

Wait, a cleaning lady isn't a maid.  But it does sound more privileged.   Well from the havers perspective, maybe not the doers.  

As a token of my appreciation, I gave her some Citrine so hopefully she attracts enough prosperity she never has to clean my room again.  She just wants to.  Ha ha.  I am surprisingly blessed that she does.

That really sucked.  Her Vaccuum, I mean.  

Thanks Deena!

Last 24 hours were so stress inducing that this lightened everything up!