Felling Sorry For4ce Yourself

How can we just stand there
And keep our mouths closed
Unless we get offended
Or feel like were opposed

If its real you bite your tongue
As if soon to just choke

And turn the smallest details
Into over-dramatic dirty jokes

You look across as I look away
And know that I once will not
And know how hard it us for us
Because of the things we've all forgot

Deep inside ourselves wont lie, will it?
Although 'we' lie to it
And our body retains that malice
That turns our children's chances to shit

Exactly where is this justice?
Is It in the water for us to drink???
I used to know...now tap water stinks
Coca Cola now used to clean throats & kitchen sinks

Why cant we all just stop! (for a second)
Feel free! enough to see peace between you & me?
So you can hold it in yourself
And live in your right to your highest divinity

The untaught law of attraction brought me this
And everyone and everything I know
Because we automatically draw toward
The exacted matched (in)actions of our soul

So why do we blame each other
And accuse some type of story
For being the most painful wall
Between our childhood's most idealistic glory?

Handing the world over
To a vaccum we created with no soul
Before we suck it dry beyond x factor
We need to regain our star-destined roles

Whats so scary? other than you anyway
Why Ive only been bombarded two hundred times today
And every single fucking day since birth
So forgive me for asking "what's beautiful shit worth anyway?"

Gimmie Gimmie never gets one good reason
Why I would listen to the truth?
Because If I had some thing to actually offer
I think that I that I might become doomed

Lovers leave and friends pass
Above us and blow us; in between hourglass
Sandy beach mirrors our shady past but cracks
But No thanks-I didn't really want to hear that

Wont let myself learn to feel
Because I cant breathe so well when you speak
I wish this didnt feel so real
Because I have to work overtime all this week

No time for you, let alone me or myself
Why are you trying to make me understand
That every perspective can be made relative
And my deepest strength is in my heart and hands!?

The moment is now, or did it just(poof poof)pass?
So foreign?-now is it just about to happen?
Second guess things to be cherished
Or is this just energetic anti-[really]matter entrapment?

Who to believe, when you learn it's all lies
I Asked the angels they said the real the truth is inside
And they asked me to give myself permission
To create my truest vision and live a life of pride

How could I deny something of me
If I knew how much I was needed
If I listened to all the universal assistance
I could never feel really defeated?

Were all here, We are all there
Whats the use of making more of the same
When every difference I choose to see in you
Should reflect your beauty as you dance in the rain

Impossibilities tease me written on t-shirts
For the facing world to probably not read
Our gagged words never taught to speak
Never been in over my head ever so shallowly

No good no bad gotta stop all this on/off thinking
I got crazy confused into two (scizhophrenic) minds
Ego's illusion a beautiful excuse
That somehow it's someone else's fault this time

Wake the fuck up I say to myself
But I can only hear so much
And that doesn't account for for all the fear
That you can erase in me simply with your touch

All the clouds end up on brushes
Creative outlets take priority accord
I plug into my own mystery and wonder
To feel abundance so I want to live more


These aren't things you achieve
They are things that you allow
But we've got it all mixed up
And we've lost ourselves...until now

Well at least that's how It feels
To be the victim of no one
When un-minde(ea)d love is followed
We find our way toward the light of only one _____________________________________________
Steve Blair apr26 2009

Incredibull-Shit!

(draft originally written 4.23.09)

In the last 48 hours my life has changed significantly, and things have never seemed to be more magical, awesome and inspiring, and I know I say that a lot.

Its almost 6 am on Thursday morning, the day of Eric's funera service, which I have to leave for in two hours, but I need to get some of these experiences on paper (on screen)? before they all fade away to the next awesome parade of joys that make the prior ones a little harder to remember if I I dont make a note when Im in the moment.

I was on the phone with Alex earlier talking of all the cool things that have happened and I mentioned to him, that oddly enough, all this flood of the wicked-cycle started around the time I heard of Eric's death, which (obvioulsy) was VERY unexpected, but an odd benchmark in my current adventure. I actually said the words "I cant believe how much good shit has happened since...well since Eric died."

Playfully, I 'joked' in a way that was in honour of his life and of knowing him, and having been through the loss of Ziggy in Jan, know that finding love and strength in death is the lesson that I feel we all must learn from 'losing' the ones we love. We dont lose them, and they dont want us to feel bad for them, they want their life to inspire those who still have life to live it to the fullest and to recieve all the available love and understanding there is being offered to us in the wake of death; life!


R.I.P Eric my friend, since you have left, my life has been nothing but strength and I have had the opportunity and blessing to be the strength for my friends, namely Alex- who was much closer to Eric than I was, and far more torn apart by the loss of one of his greatest friends, and someone who to me-was a role-model for living life because of his curious attitude, intelligent observations and good-hearted exuberance that I looked up to and trusted because he was someone who was not afraid to live his life, experiment with his talents and abilities and to share such a flare for living with all the people he touched...or set on fire, or danced beside, or made fun at, or supported


Tuesday I woke up pretty average, the only thing out of ordinary was that what woke me up was an awesome dream that stuck with me becasue of its sexual nature and who it involved - I woke up with a lesson (and an erection) that felt very good to experience-even though I didnt realize I was dreaming until after I had awoken (DAMN!) I still felt as if I had awoken with the feelings and purpose of the dream fresh in my conscious, semi-cloudy/pillow-patterened head. I get that but not usually as strong as this was. So I wrote it down and I started my day with a perspective that "okay now what" didnt ever get a chance to materialize into my morning like it often does, because I HATE working in the morning , if I dont get the ball rolling right away, its loaftalottapuss city for me because I work on momentum and spontaneaty, and those arent usually morning qualities for me because my momentum kept me up all night that the last thing I wake up with is momentum....unless its with someone (that sleeps with me all night) and waking up with momentum means already half engaged in wake-up sex you didnt know you even started)

I checked my email, and right out the gate I got word that I would be getting another role in the movie project, not only would I be producing the music, mixing, and writing part of the scene, but now I will be performing as myself DJing in the movie as well... in the scene that Ive been working on the musimovie I have been working on with BT

more like GIMMIE A MOMENT...UM...im going back to bed, cuz I had sleep-momentum and I was going nowhere fast in la la land-

No, Really, But Now Honestly

Just woke up from a nice little slumber and felt like there was so much I wanted to share, having had the past couple weeks that I have had, just even the past twenty four hours was inspiring beyond belief.

Just to be able to see enough to acknowledge the beauty and the limitless humor all intertwined in all our frustrations is really a beautiful thing.  To find the humor in our suffering is an amazing skill, but to find courage to end it is even harder. 

Amazingly, the more we are able to laugh at our own suffering (as a people, not just at someone else's misfortune), it turns into that courage as that fear melts away.

I feel again like I was able to gain much insight because of my realization of how much "stuck in a perspective" was the glue (ironically) that seems to be keeping my walls up lately.  And I have never been one to promote walls, (except for Dave) and stepping outside of my mind from time to time has really allowed me to see just how many of those I have-where they lie, and ways to smash through them; and how everything could all be different if I changed just one little small tiny, thing...

myself.

Not that I wanted it to be different per-say (south park goths he he)-, because this came from a great apprecition for just-what is.  [...not at the expense of 'what it isnt'.]

But really, underneath I did.

I wanted it all to be different.

I feel the last couple of days have offered a very different perspective, but not even by trying to "see it through someone else's eyes" but my trying to just close my eyes and "gain perspective" by going within and feeling that there even could be a different perspective, and that there was just sooooooo much more than what my habitual pattern-trained brain was used to thinking of.

Actually 'feeling' connected with the entire universe and what that 'has so much to offer that its as almost we're so scared of if it's potential for happiness because we all have that 'human' fear that inside that makes us dread a day when nature has turned our back on us, and we were left alone forever - we have that fear as if were bred not to believe that anything could ever offer this much protection and love and care and happiness that to turn yourself over to the power that wants to give you all of these things just looks, sounds, completely hokey and too easy...what's the catch?" we ask and we look for the 'other shoe to drop' in such a great sounding idea, and meanwhile feels impossible to us?  Such a hard thing to only think about.  We cant forget to allow ourselves to just...feel.

I think its a hard place to get to say:

I feel I'm never alone, at the very least- I'll always have myself ;)

and mean it.

We're only all/own if we choose to be.

More later

Steve

______________________________________

(never-ending) Big Up List

Big Up Elise for FINALLY returning Blond & Blonder OMG.  And for bringing back Lisa Lampanelli to howl to!  So fuckin funny!  and cuz while she was working at global aware yesterday I bought an awesome book called Boys will be Boys (Breaking the link between masculinity and violence) by Myriam Miedzian.

Just cracking it, and it's already crazy, and for being the only girl to dress up AND crash a party she never even made it to?   lmfao

Big up Alex & Curve for checking out the Bio-Mat & The Free (see??!) Healing  I TOLD ya'll it was crazy- more proof that the best healing can be spontaneous and fun!  Thanks to Ramona @ maitrihealing.com

Big the fuck up Sarah & Sophie for rolling thru 80's workout style last night!! OMG

Big up my itunes for always/never 'randomly' playing exactly what I need to hear at the just the right moment.

Big Up Shaunasie for the magick and sugarcubes too, wow I needed that on a school night thank u so much!

so much more but must go get lunch. . .

ROOMATRIX (Roomate Tricks) [of the fairTRADE?]

wrote this earlier and wanted to post it before bed....


Okay hold up - it just happened again, and since Marla refused to do anything except run out of my room with her hands over her ears accusing me of 'giving her attitude' and fled downstairs in ignorance of my comments. Somehow feeing 'attacked'(?) because of my poiting out she was doing exactly what she was complaining about only seconds before was enough reason for her to storm out with comments like "see THIS is why I dont hang out with you" - because she gets attitude from me when she sits in my room and tries to offer all of her input on everything from the cutting of narcotics to killing and stuffing animals (very positive and feel good, I must say saracastically) all while saying openly that she was not likely to read what I'm writing about, nor had she been paying attention/interested in what I was speaking about to begin with that any hope of feeling like there was an equal flow of listening/talking/actually caring about the other's input was far from balanced. . to say the least.

If she accuses me for the same 'faults' that she too has, her hostility is only an indication of the hostility towards herself and how much she has to release all this energy 'upon' those around her becasue she has so few people in her life willing to take what beautiful gifts she has to offer because she is not putting her real, beautiful self out there to be rewarded by those who can provide her with the nurturing and healing she requires yet does not even believe in. She is hiding in a dark, windowless room, feeling sorry for herself and locked into a world where her only ventilation system is through her television, laptop and part time crappy job at the bottom of the stairs @ Ginos. I will be the first to mention how much I admire her blogging and journal entires on purerave that I read very many of, because she offered to share that with me and wanted me to know about her life enough to trust me with access to them freely, yet she doesn't trust me with access to her inner, more real and undiscovered self, because she has not granted my innocence, she has held me into my innerSINS and my own faults and problems, namely blaming ME for my drug problems without any intention to heal, address or examine her own and how they are also contributing to our turmoil. I asked her a few weeks ago to have 'one last hurrah' with me and then we both go sober together and I got laughed at. Funny thing, that intention of growth being constantly overlooked and underestimated.

Despite all the 'credentials' she has given me, the proof that I have shown thru example of my friendship and loyalty Ive shown with her (trust!) it feels as if I'm being treated like someone who is broken, unapproachable, and not worth the effort..."written off" is how it feels, whether that is the intention or not, that is how her actions make me feel because her only interactions with me as of late, have been to avoid me, make me feel guilty for 'not being there for Matyas' and try and stop me from 'being on uppers' by 'doing downers' with her and Matyas so I can 'be on the same page as them' (what page is that, exactly?) and why cant what they want be experessed without drugs HAVING to even BE involved, because quite honestly, I'd like to see some more sober communication amongst us all!

Youre saying I need to chill, calm down, slow up , relax? im ChiLLin Like A V'iLLiN...Like MYSELF, my chill is much more zen and relaxed than what you guys are used to- so much it makes you uncomfortable to sit in silence and think about all the things that swirl when avoidance isnt AN OPTION and you choose to not run away, but sit in whatever comes up in you.

And what is it that you know about me and how I truly feel that allows you to believe it's in everyone's best interest to hold people's bad habits against them until they try to replace it with the one you do(?), then they are on your side, willing to be on 'the same page' and worthy of acting like they are actually an equal person?

thats what your actions are teaching me

and I'm not just this 'fountain of advice or money loaning center' that can be taken for granted if that very same advice is used in order to bring awareness to what is really going on, and not contribute to it further, knowingly, by being ignorant of other's emotions to begin with by worrying about 'not upsetting someone'

WHO THE FUCK CARES IF THEY GET UPSET, THEY CAN GET GLAD AGAIN AS SOON AS THEY CHOOSE, IF IT's TRUTH AND ITS REAL AND ITS COMING FROM SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT, THEN IF THEY GET UPSET ITS BECAUSE IT MATTERS! but the end of everything isnt if we get upset at one another, it's when we dont address and heal why we become upset with each other DESPITE all this tip-toeing and hoola-hooping through and around each other's 'supposed concluded reactions'.

It seems as if those who are worrying about what others think too often are making the same crucial mistakes ...such as assuming you know how each other is going to act and feel so well that you can decide for them, and act accordingly as to NOT elicit any negative response or retaliation for believing that's a valid excuse for NOT sharing your actual truth, but giving away your power and responsibility to those who you claim:

'dont let me finish'
'wont listen to me'
'dont understand me'
'dont have it as hard as I do"
'is always attacking me"

or any other statement that BLAMES SOMEONE ELSE for the position that they are 'forced?' into (by their own submission) and refusal to accept responsibility for their own actions and choices that lead themselves right into the 'backed into a corner' (a position that really only belongs to street prostitutes, it's their turf, come on...they earned it)

and im NOT attacking Marla in any way, I'm merely using my blog as the tool to work through what so many of us have trouble with in our every day lives so that it can be used as an exmple to share myself, and my life in the truest way possible, being vulnerable is REQUIRED for growth, and that is my INTENTION for this posting, to take anger and hurt and understand them for what they are by FEELING IT IN THE MOMENT, and letting it go, so that I can begin to re-route that energy and turn it back into loving, healing energy by using it creatively, for the good of all to at least hear how I feel and how I think about it.

(even though all may not be feeling like they are getting 'the good' from me, they can kindly see the V'iLLiN...er villain if they would like too-after all - when you make enemies out of your friends, someone has to be the 'bad' guy?)

whether you think you're right, or you think your're wrong...You're right...)
whatever you believe is what you will manifest, even if its all the situations WE DONT WANT or HOW WRONG EVERYTHING IS or WHAT WE ALREADY KNOW, they're building/limiting our perceptions and experiences, so AWARENESS IS REQUIRED to responsibly manifest your greatest dreams -

If you cannot believe that the universe is on your side, then how can you EVER recieve anything from it that you'll appreciate?!?

IMAGINE SAY...
its kinda like asking a man in his late fifties with a white van to go around offering kids candy-shaped health food in just a witty apron to prove he believes nutrition and sexual freedom are important from a young age -
no one's buyin it at first glance... (bear with me, this is getting to be one grizzly metaphore. . .)

but if every day you saw that mid-fifty year old dude bustin his (bare?) butt driving around the block (hybrid, duh) NOT BEING A CREEPY STEREOTYPE, but GIVING OUT GOODNESS & NUTRITION & FUN & LOVE with something that JUST APPEARS TO BE "CANDY"
should he be stopped because he just LOOKS like he MIGHT do harm, even though HE PERSONALLY has not?

(appears as harmful to all the judgemental fear-holders/searchers/attractors who are literally 'ON THE LOOKOUT' for their white-van driving old creepy dude handing out candy to kids on the block so they can justify having that fear/belief that those people DO exist, or else why fear it so? )

*take a deep breath and pause for humor*
if only the humor in that ametaforementioned

(people have some fear of it being a holiday more than one day a year or something lol, its like totally STUPID or INCONCEIVIBLE to 'make every day Christmas' or 'dress up like halloween and give out candy on easter' - oh wait we let the rabbits do that for us, they control the eggs....I forgot. ...which came first again? the rabbit or the hole?)

All im saying is that if you dont DECIDE to trust and take responsibility for your own power to create your life youve been using thus far subconsciously, semi-awareness, no longer can you justify ignorance towards all the 'hogwash' the universe has dealt you and CHOOSE to see the beauty in your life, and everywhere else you WILL ONLY SEE MORE OF IT. (People see what they want to see right, right or wrong, youre right, right?)

So seriously, if youre not making the conscious CHOICE to be a part of the healing and LIMIT the amount of suffering you create for yourself and others THEN SOMEONE ELSE CHOSE TO BE PART OF THAT PROCESS FOR YOU, NOT ME - YOU'RE WASTING MY TIME AND YOURS - AND WE HAVE SUCH A PRECIOUS AMOUNT OF IT (be careful, I dont mean like im the mecca perfectionsist healing guru or anything, I am trying to limit my own suffering the best way I know how, I can do more, I am doing more and more every day)

what one thing can we do RIGHT now that we know we should to take a step towards our goals. what is the FIRST thing YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD DO, but arent doing, you could take action towards RIGHT NOW?

I just mean go easy on ourselves but also make those hard descions with a SMILE, make choices that feel good (if what you're doing doesn't FEEL GOOD, it probably isn't the best choice for you...!!), support the good of the whole, and support the things that make you happy and that you believe in, and you will find you are supported in ways you cannot even begin to think about without a feeling to correspond it's relatability

AND THAT FEELING IS BEING BLOCKED BY OUR OWN IDEAS, PERSPECTIVES, TRAUMAS & EXPERIENCES THAT WE STORE IN THE BODY WITHOUT CONSCIOUS AWARENESS OF (at first)
AND UNTIL WE ALLOW THE BODY TO LET GO OF THOSE OLD NEGATIVE OUTDATED/UNTAPPED ENERGIES BY ACCESSING THEM WITH THE BREATH AND RELEASING THEIR BLOCKING EFFECTS SIMPLY BY FEELING WHAT YOUR BODY HAS BEEN KEEPING FOR YOU AND FROM YOU.

BY THE INTENTION TO FEEL & HEAL WHATS IN YOURSELF, you open the doorway to ALL NEW paths of discovery that SEEM IMPOSSIBLE JUST TO THINK ABOUT when you are in a low energy state of depression, sadness, anger, resent, or guilt. THE MIND IS AN ENEMY when those are the only feelings you CHOSE to operate within by CHOSING NOT to seek the higher path (vibration) of LOVE, ACCEPTANCE and APPRECIATION at all times. Any time you deny yourself this option, you are CONTRIBUTING TO YOUR OWN SUFFERING, and should post a *mental pylon* to this area of choice BECAUSE IT NEEDS SOME FUCKIN RECONSTRUCTION OKAY?

god its not so bad, everyone on the planet is undergoing the same things in a different perspective, so CHILL OUT, RELAX and QUIT MAKING AN ENEMY OUT OF THE UNIVERSE AND THAT WAY YOU CAN SEE YOUR FRIENDS FOR WHO THEY REALLY ARE...

If the Universe is our enemy, were going to make even our best friends into our enemy because true friendship cannot exist in a world that is en gaurde for "If it seems to good to be true it probably is..." ...IS TRUE!!! is what it should say.

everyone is afraid of seeming like they didnt know "yeah I know" "im fully aware" "oh i know" "you dont have to tell me" "trust me...i know all about..."

I catch myself doing it too - wanting to say I know, when I didnt, or just 'cutting people off' mentally with what "I think they are going to say" in my head so I stop listening and fill in the rest of their story with my own story of who they are AND THAT IS WHACK.

CUTE-TIP:
try this...if you want to know what someone 'thinks' of you, just talk slowly (slower than the other person) and put a pause in the middle of your statement - somewhere that indicates you are thinking about what to say, and allow the person to finish your sentance for you. . .

were they correct at assuming what you wanted to express, or did they cut you off quickly to fill in your thoughts for you so they didnt have to listen as attentively as one who had no preconcieved ideas about what is going to be said, expressed or shared, so they were able to let someone tell their own original story outside of OUR OWN PROJECTIONS on who they are what theyre going to say and how we could possiblly subject ourself to conversation we 'didnt already know how it was going to end' the same as always.

people will insert their sentance finishers too if they have a habit of controlling others through their own fears of freedom of speech going somewhere they CANNOT control and therefore always have to DIRECT and MANEUVER and DICTATE the conversations, topics and DIVERT from the truth, create dramas to steal energy from others and make the communication TOXIC..on purpose, so that they too feel you are as umcomfortable in SILENCE as well as mid-INTERACTION as they are.

I even apologized when she returned for sounding snarky if thats how she felt, but it again was one-sided because she didn't say anything back at all, so clearly she is set in her ways of being right, and no matter how I address her, she can just go back to doing K and drinking and pretending like im not even there anyways.
If someone who suffers from substance abuse makes another's substance abuse the reason/cause for their 'punsihment' isnt that just welcoming the same type of behaviour that is projecting???

LAW OF ATTRACTION, KIDS!

so -

DONT LET OTHERS SPEAK FOR YOU. youre just giving away your power.
DONT USE THE EXCUSES 'YOU NEVER LET ME...__________" or "CAN I FINISH?" as a mask for your ears.


BRING OTHERS UP TO YOUR LEVEL, DONT SINK TO POWERLESS(lock)NESS, Monster!

love ya Marla, were on the same side here

______________________Y A W N _____________________
and look at the [BED] TIME. . .

HAVE THE MOST FOOLISH APRIL FOOLS DAY EVER, K EVERYONE? (without judgement)
THE BEST IS YET TO COME, CUZ THAT RABBIT AINT EVEN HARE YET!

Come Again!? Jesus, Hop To It!

Stev'ILL