Foggy Mirror?

I would benefit greatly from taking the time to plan out the things I want to accomplish and experience and work towards over the next couple years by planning it out very methodically using the abundance of skills I already have to make what I desire manifest to the greatest of all possibilites and give that opportunity to myself, that chance, that support and that work into my future and my growth and development and of course, my purpose. Taking one year and planning it out so that I have GOALS, FOCUS, DIRECTION and COMMITMENT to a set/series of projects, plans, dreams and aspirations that I have decided upon long before and calculated continual progress.

What I have to offer is something so great that the more I dont offer myself the more I start to feel out of synch with who I really am and what should feel natural to me. I know this because I feel the great difference in how much I have offered more and more and how much it has come back to me greatly when I do. Not sharing myself hasn't usually panned out with too much success because it always makes me second guess and question and beat myself up about what I should have done and didnt, and it stings because I know that I could have. Regret was always my descision making parameter because it was the last thing I wanted to live my life with, so making descisions based on a "will I regret doing it, or will I regret not doing it??" basis alone is somehow not a complete strategy. ha ha ha.

But thats the thing...thinking that anything is possible to me sometimes makes me feel like im in a catch 22 (not for long) because I have the habit of imaging the best most 'unlikely' scenario based out of an intention to immediately allign with fantasy and work from there. So sometimes I picture an extreme of possibilities with someone or some thing and therefore in seeing/creating/imagining the best case scenario and not immediately dismissing anything except for in some cases, myself. I stack my odds so high and win enough gambles that I KNOW anything is possible so I put a lot of pressure on myself and invest in that 'dream/vision/perspective' of a perfect outcome that if done properly, could manifest far beyond my expectations!

oh...wow there we go. my expectations.

Those intentions somehow become expectations or attachments to an outcome and then when I begin to interact within that mentality and process, I lose my power.

Sometimes even when I KNOW what I feel, If it feels important or 'impossible' the more im attracted to it, the more I want to achieve/accomplish/conquor/nurture/honour and be successful at it cuz it 'really means something' to me. (what is that something?? what is that feeling of it meaning something unspecified?) So then I doubt my ability to cary out these wishes/fantasies/dreams/actions thru the eyes of others and immediately I feel powerless.

In a mere second- some reason I give all of my own power and possibility to influence my own circumstance positively over to the other person or 'figure' or establishment, but usually a person because they then in my mind- have the ability to 'make' or 'break' me, or what my idea of me is to them based on my assumption of their ability to fullfil/grant/accept/deny/bend to my desires/wishes/requests/ and how badly Im willing to risk myself if it all goes tits up

I have lost my power due to my expectations, my attachment to the outcome and my doubt in my own abilty/path/intuition/confidance/appearance that facilitates the ongoing blips on my radar that are flagging attention. Over and over again, its a nagging feeling that is saying "you are not giving it your best". "You are not yourself" You are not the best you that you can be.

So in that I feel anxious, self-conscious, or fearful that I may mess it up, that I might be wrong or that I may look stupid or I guess ultimately- judged or disliked by people I have a strong attraction/affinity/emotional investment/interest? in is like the worst possible scenario to me that could unfold in my mental mindfuck of myself so the greatest desires/dreams also hold that potential to become my biggest failures/catastrophies/nightmares (ie - learning opportunities and acquiring essential alchemy tools to transmute and grow and know myself) so in essence, I fear the opposite of my seed ideas because they are the actualization of a failed attempt at whatever I shot for the moon/sun/stars/heavens with if even only mentally and emotionally at times (or expectation-ally).

Oh no, someone I love or respect might not think the highest of me if I dont act appropriately...lmao. Where have my balls gone?

My own expectations are not valid to apply to anyone or any situation unless they are only on myself, and only if they are fair/positive and resonating with my best intentions. Used as a measure of what to expect from myself-

This, over time-- will grow and change, as I have-but I can see it as also valuable educationally to build a further set of more accurate and transformative expectations of only myself as I learn more and more of what myself really means and what/why/when I can expect from myself and how to fine tune that [me] well enough that I would learn how to not place such mental weight/tonnage/toxicity on myself because these same 'minor'/major(?) fear/action/willingness/ issues would no longer exist because If I was in tune with what I could really expect from myself, it would not be disempowerment from giving into/concentrating/focusing on my unrealistic, narrow faults, fears and opinions and those of others that all too often leave me out in the cold. the outsider card in the Osho Zen Tarot comes to mind here.

My expectations don't really belong anywhere else, because seemingly there is no benefit in expecting things from other people (actions/material/emotional) unless I have an agreement from both sides so that it is determined that such expectations were created with the intention and compliance that they will be met in a reliable or trust-weilding manor, like in business contract for for example.

Expectations even arrise from habit. Even when no words are spoken, and I repeat an action or an intention, the regularity and the pattern will start to condition itself to be 'routine' and I can expect more of the same thing next time because If I take now for granted tomorrow just becomes holographic hiccup of yesterday, and I understand how people could easily become complacent in how to expect better and more for themselves if they have stopped expecting the unexpected.

That's why that cliche makes so much sense. Cuz the only thing that should be expected is the unexpected...I never got it so many ways before now.

"If you dont have any expectations than every single thing you receive from the universe you can view as a gift." - Supernatural Sandie