Lesson (L)earned? 11/11

Just came back from the casino and I feel like I let myself down again.

All day long I had this feeling that I would be lucky today at the casino because its the new moon and 11/11 and 11 is my favourite number to bet on, and it has provided me with the most riches whenever I decide to hit the casino and try my "luck".

So I pulled a card to verify my hunch and I first got the "Obstacles and Challenges" card. Which is nothing new, but often a not good sign to go to the casino.  But the feeling was so strong that I questioned the challenge and pulled another card, to which I got the "Victory & Success" card, which to me meant that there might be some challenges at first, but to endure the obstacles and that if I stuck with it, I would be victorious.  Then just to be sure thats what I was feeling, I drew one more card, to which I got an ace...#1 - "Prosperity Begins".  Which sold me.  Thats what I need- prosperity to begin.  Not this bullshit mentality of lack I have been swimming in lately with all these new expenses.  Those are the type of signs I trust in when I go to something that which has such a degree of doubt like the casino and come out on top.  If it didn't usually work, I wouldn't believe in my system.

So it took a a while, but I knew that I was supposed to go and just bet on 11 & 1.  Which is what I did.  So I took my time to choose the table that felt right to me, and when I did, I used the last of my money to bet on 11 & 1....and on my last bet, I finally hit 11, and I clapped and cheered, I won back my money and then some, so I was elated...I thought I am now about to have enough to make bigger bets and get what I came for.  And the cycle went through again, and I didnt hit it again....so with the last of my excess, and what I originally bet in my pocket, I thought "well I havent lost so, maybe I should just walk out now..."  I wondered if I should just put it all down again on what I believed in, and continue my intuition.  Then because one is not allowed to text at the table, I stepped back to text my awaiting ride to say that "I am only breaking even after a half hour, Im not sure what to do..." the table hit 11!!  I freaked out.  FUCK OFF.  

Then I texted that it hit while I stepped back, and the next turn- HIT number 1!

FUCK OFF!

My jaw dropped and my stomach sank and I gasped again.  REALLY?  What I had been envisioning ALL DAY just hit consecutively while I WASNT FUCKING PLAYING!?!

And as I tried not to get discouraged, I thought that I shouldn't give up yet.  So I then bet the rest of my chips (what I came in with) on my numbers, only to have the dealer shyly act uninterested and then continue to hit none of the numbers at all and I watch all my money disappear in a swoop of doubt and misused opportunity, making my doubt come true and watching my desires melt away as I realize that I made the biggest mistake, yet again- that I have been continuously making.

Doubting myself and my inner feeling.

Why did I quit when it seemed hardest?  Why did I doubt myself?  Why didn't I trust my intuition?  Why did I seek the approval of someone else not even involved to stick with my hunch?  Why the FUCK didn't I listen to myself?  I could have had my worries solved (if only for the time being) and would have been able to support myself and move forward on this whole journey but instead I lost.  I'm so disappointed with myself right now, I was soooooooooo close and everything I wanted was THERE.  I just made the wrong choice and let doubt into the equation and the second I stepped back, the universe delivered what I felt it would the entire time.

What kinda shit is that?!  A lesson.  At the very least.

I suppose thats the nature of gambling.  But I should know better by now.   

I could have had all my worries erased tonight, that was the feeling I had...instead I created more.

I know "coulda, shoulda woulda" never got anyone anywhere, but I know how close I was and I have no one to blame but myself.  I just want to get out of this hole.